Letter of Redemption 

-from the Grave

 

Memories are something God gave us created human beings in His image that has always been a curiosity to me. They are snippets of the past that have so many lessons to be learned in the present. Their inherent power to affect our mind and spirit is inclusive of the entire spectrum of life value and purpose. 

 

Some memories are rich and rewarding in the replay of them. Moments of happy and warm invitations, enveloping our minds with reflections of joy and positive inspiration in present time. Some have the power to change the trajectory of our life. The onset and birth of these type of memories, chart courses of regret; and also potential paths of purpose and direction. Many review memories that have deep pain, and those who replay these; spend a lifetime running from them and the ongoing pathology they serve to embellish.

 

Most of us never escape the power of memories, nor the positive or negative value that has magnified in its intensity…each time they renew their message in our thoughts. Few of us ever understand the power God also gave us to change the story of our memories, within the reality of present life. It has become clear to me, that redemption in our present is woven through the forest of our memories.

 

In fact…if you do even a cursory review of a concordance regarding the word ‘remember,’ you see that God uses our memory, and the opportunity to delve into its bank of truth, as a tool of redemption; as a point of clarity in faith and practice that is always able to be present…not just past, in its usefulness for God’s work in us.

 

Today is the day this memory came forth…in fact, a few then merged in the presence of today…in a ‘drop to your knees’ sort of way.

 

Yesterday, I bought tickets to go see Mercy Me in concert. I don’t go to many concerts, as I just cannot justify the cost to the benefit of immersing myself in the midst of that many people. That’s another story for another time. Two days prior, I attended an Amy Grant concert. Amy was a music force in my early years of being a believer, and much of her music was reflected in the messages I was given in my faith in those early days. So her concert was a true reward and was like seeing an old friend.

 

I have a past with Bart Millard and the Mercy Me band. I would clearly be warranted to say that…whereas Mercy Me would respond, “Brent who?”

When I was a ruddy youth pastor and then even into our work with the youth of Savanna Bible Church, we took our teens annually to a youth conference in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Good speakers that motivated our teens in the Word and a worship team: Mercy Me. Yet unknowns then, and so impactful in their music and message for young minds seeking something. They had not yet recorded their first single that brought them the wider global audience they reach today…but Bart had written it and they were singing it to us: “I Can Only Imagine.” Soon after, I would hear it on the radio as it was first recorded by Amy Grant. Who shortly thereafter, at her first public singing of the song, called Bart Millard up on the stage and asked him to sing his song to the audience. She then gave it back to him, and it is forever etched in our memories as a Mercy Me song; thanks to the beautiful heart of Amy Grant.

 

This morning, I awoke and wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and took Bella outside for her first morning necessity call…when I heard music coming from my son’s workshop and man cave building. That’s not unusual, but the music I was hearing was not his usual faire. It was Mercy Me’s song, “Word of God Speak.” A beautiful song of Bart Millard’s heart, and I walked in to see my son being totally immersed in this song and its powerful message. I felt I was interrupting, but I felt drawn to the moment…in a way I cannot speak about clearly.

 

You see, I had told him the night before, that I had bought tickets and was going to see Mercy Me in concert. And his mind began to experience memories from his past that are important. So, I said we had a past with Mercy Me. As one of the pastors on the leadership team for this conference in Cedar Rapids each year, we sort of rubbed shoulders with Mercy Me. One morning; our family likes to recall (and I’m sure its etched into Mercy Me bands memory as well), was the morning we ate breakfast with “our boys” Mercy Me. Well, in our minds we went on tour with them…we were the inspiration for their music…we were the reason they sing to this day.

 

I have a recurring memory that is associated with Mercy Me, that is not a good memory…in fact it is a most powerful memory that defines in perpetuity my failure as a father. It’s a big one, that I’ve never been able to release, because it is a microcosm of my parenting, no matter how many times I justify why I was a good parent. 

 

I was taking Jordan to school some years after this relationship we had as a family with Mercy Me had its origins, and “I Can Only Imagine” came on the radio. Jordan began to belt it out from his middle school heart, and I criticized how he was singing it. Yep…my own insecurities as an OCD perfectionist, who could never measure up to his own potential…decided my words to be the tool I used to crush my son and his dream to be like Bart Millard in singing from his heart. I did that. Former pastor Brent, now a student at a seminary to earn a Masters degree in Christian Psychology…so I could help people be free to serve God as they are called…in one moment took my son and told him he wasn’t good enough. 

 

The irony of this story is that Bart Millard’s father told him the same thing…his whole life. That song was written for Bart’s father who died shortly after Bart and his dad reconciled and his father received redemption for his sins to his son and for his life in Jesus.

 

I realized often that I parented from the wrong side of redemption. My message to my kids was more often, “you are not good enough.” “You have to do better. You are failing.” I never believed that…but I messaged that always to my kids. I still seek redemption from those most damning of memories in my mind.

 

I have learned something recently, that my kids have known their whole life. Their dad is far from being perfect…in fact my flaws have become so glaring, as I’ve aged and made countless new bad decisions; that the memory of who I was, overshadows my ability to be who I need yet to be…as I face the last years of my life.

 

So Jordan and I watched the movie of Bart’s life this morning together. As I realized anew how I was not so different from Bart’s father as a parent…I cried during the movie as my son slept. I saw him in these convergent memories as a middle school boy that I crushed…as he lay asleep on that couch this morning. I prayed again that God would continue to change my heart to be the right dad…and that my son, and my daughters will get to have the father in my last years, that they all deserve. 

 

You see…God’s redemption is right in front of us for the taking. Its our decision to rewrite our future memories. For the good of those we love. For the good of our own dreams yet to be released in our full potential of faith and practice. For those who need to see Jesus in us…in the moment.

 

“I can only imagine, what it will be like, when I walk by your side. I can only imagine, what my eyes would see, when your face is before me. I can only imagine.

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel? Will I dance for You Jesus, or in awe of you be still? Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall? Will I sing Hallelujah, or will I be able to speak at all? I can only imagine….I can only imagine!

I can only imagine, when that day comes, and I find myself standing in the Son, I can only imagine, when all I will do is forever, forever worship You. I can only imagine, yeah, I can only imagine!!”